iHate? 5 Things I donít know whether I love or hate about Appleís new iPhones

Tuesday, September 16, 2014 9:00 AM

These new Apple product announcements are more about fashion than they are about business and personal communication tools.

These new Apple product announcements are more about fashion than they are about business and personal communication tools.

They are just as much in the business of creating the next big thing that you need to be seen holding in your hand than they are in the business of creating tiny supercomputers that talk to spaceships.

“The new iPhones are here! The new iPhones are here!” is what the Navin Johnson part of my brain was shouting shortly after Apple’s heavily anticipated announcement last week. In it they announced, among other things, that there would be not one but two new iPhones out this fall: The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus. Holy mackerel was I excited. I kept loading and reloading the iPhone 6 videos on my now ancient iPhone 5S and licked the screen and panted like an excited terrier. After the initial excitement died down I found myself more confused than anything. Didn’t I just buy a new iPhone? Can I really afford a new one right now? And what about this beautiful Apple Watch? I want it so bad!

These new Apple product announcements are more about fashion than they are about business and personal communication tools. They are just as much in the business of creating the next big thing that you need to be seen holding in your hand than they are in the business of creating tiny supercomputers that talk to spaceships. This isn’t really a problem, at least it’s definitely not a problem for Apple. The problem for an idiot like me is that they are just so damn persuasive. My lizard brain just keeps shouting I WANT! I WANT IT! every time I see an image of the new Apple Watch. So how does one make sense of all this new information? How do we unpack? How can I learn to think for myself again? The short answer is that I have no idea. Here are some more things to think about:

1. New shapes and sizes

Not only is my current phone smaller than the iPhone 6 but now it's WAY smaller than the iPhone 6 Plus (Google Plus shout out!). Now I feel doubly inadequate about the current state of my phone. And now they've rounded out all the edges? What's that all about? Things are looking real Samsung-y over here and I thought those two were still fighting. If they made it look like a Samsung then shouldn’t I just give my money to them? Decisions!

2. Retina Display

Let’s talk about Retina Display for a second, shall we? Do we even know what that means anymore? It’s just a marketing term for whatever Apple calls their screen. It’s not a concrete term that everyone in the industry uses like Plasma screen or LED or LCD televisions. Those are actual terms that mean something. Retina display just refers to more pixels or something like that. Apple has their word for it, Samsung calls theirs something else, and so does every other phone maker. A lot of terms that Apple uses are becoming less meaningful to me each day.

3. Battery Life.

Why do I not believe that battery life is going to be that much better? Apple did announce that the iPhone 6 Plus will have about 75% more battery life than the iPhone 5S but I still don't really believe them. Sure they have their charts and graphs explaining why this battery is so great but the phone seems so much more powerful that I don't know if it will be able to keep up in the real life, check-my-phone-every-six-seconds type of scenarios that we are all in.

4. Apple Watch

First of all, it’s not a watch. Call it a Wrist Phone. So, we're all wearing watches again are we? Apple Watch is finally here. Finally! I can't wait to buy this watch. I really want one. I’ve wanted a phone on my wrist ever since I watched Dick Tracy when I was 10. I can wait to spend $350 minimum on this new watch. Remind me again why we all stopped wearing watches in the first place? It wasn't because most of them cost $350. It wasn't because they were uncomfortable. It wasn't because they weren't fashionable. It was because our PHONES told us what time it was and we were on them so much that we never didn't know what time it was. Stay tuned for the new Apple Clock Radio coming out next Fall. This new "wearable tech" thing is beyond genius. Companies are now re-introducing a thing that their old products made irrelevant and, because this technology is so new, now wearable tech is MORE RELEVANT THAN EVER. Like I said before, I really want one of these things. They look so nice and now my body will finally be permanently connected to my phone at all times. My phone will always be with me; checking my pulse, counting my steps, sending my whereabouts to secret government databases- I mean, keeping my personal information safe and secure at all times. Yeah, that second thing.

5. U2

Apple gave everybody in the known universe a free U2 album that they didn’t even have to use a code for or download. It just appeared on their devices... and people could not be more mad about it. They actually felt offended at the fact that Apple could just make a thing appear on their phones without their permission. I’m not even that naive. I’m sorry, don’t we like free things? Is the U2 album that bad? I haven’t even listened to it yet because I’m afraid that the Internet will find out and then make fun of me. I have very low self esteem.

Jason Lee Norman

Jason Lee Norman

Jason Lee Norman is a writer with a beard. He is the 2014 Writer in Residence at the Edmonton Public Library. He is obsessed with keeping his iPhone over 75% charged.

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